Dear Hanger On,
By the skin of your teeth you have hung on to this last almost failed relationship like a cat clinging to the swaying branch of a tree he unwittingly ended up scaling. Even now you wonder at your tenacity and your willingness to go back to something you know is clearly not easy and natural. Maybe the desire to be comfortable, even when the comfort level is insecurity and lack of communication, supersedes the desire to be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. One thing is certain, this swaying branch you are helplessly trapped on has taught you invaluable survival skills, there is nothing quite as motivating as a life or death grip when you have fallen before and the result was as close to a nervous breakdown as you have ever been.
He is as cunning and as dangerous as a Las Vegas big cat, trapped in an emotional ex-wife cage waiting for the enthusiastic burst of applause to trigger his next performance. This time it is reconnecting with her parents who are in town, and taking his mother along, so they can pretend in epic Southern denial that "nothing happened." This is the only family you have ever been around where they demand you accept and embrace all of the the exes (and there are so many of them) and their convoluted family members without comment or complaint. You hung on to the notion that time would surely remedy this but unfortunately it is the same over and over, only the show time changes as does the story of her and her whole families betrayal and abandonment. They will all drawl "hey!" to each other and "How ya'll doing?" as if none of the complete craziness of the past four years occurred. It isn't forgiveness as much as an unwillingness to move forward with new people, new relationships. The ex will be pleased that she has gotten him roped back into her dysfunctional families clutches so that she can snap her whip and make him bound onto a pedestal, even when he is snarling and defensive she enjoys making him perform for her. He hangs on to the unusual notion that this is normal and will be great when their daughter has children, which just justifies the entire inbred clans countless failed marriages. If any of them could spell "boundary" much less understand the concept of it perhaps you would not be where you are, claws out, tenaciously clutching a past with no hope and a future with very little.
Your choice is to scamper back down that tree trunk of disappointment and confusion, to curl up in the sun and blatantly ignore them all like a well fed cat. He isn't ready to let the past go, but you don't have to chase that string anymore. The show will go on...without you.
Dear Ms. Intentional,
The theme lately is living intentionally, though having to Google what that is may not be a good sign. It seems that having good intentions and living intentionally are two very different things. You always intended for your kids to have the best of everything without them having to struggle, you intended to get remarried a year after you got divorced, you had the best of intentions that your company would flourish and you would be set for life by 50. So much of what we try to accomplish is vague and undefined, and though good intentions are nice, they don't mean anything without good decisions.
So today you begin the harder path of choosing to live intentionally. To do this you have to go back to your goals, your core values, what you know you want and need. Not always easy for someone who is chronically codependent and used to caring more for others than herself. You must stop frantically casting a wide net in the hopes that all of your goals will come to fruition, and instead go back to the basics. Slowing down, thinking things through, not reacting. The decisions that will come from this different way of life will be different than before, will move you toward what you intend for your life now as a divorced single mother. It's time to embrace the world you currently reside in, and find whatever love, comfort and joy there is already in your life. If you also intend to focus on fewer relationships, to take better care of yourself, to communicate with love and respect, to take more time organizing and planning instead of flailing around on the whim of every client and every family member, you will be more successful. To focus on what good being successful can do for your world is also a good intention, and benefits everyone. You can decide, day by day, hour by hour, relationship by relationship what you want and need.
So under the banner of "living intentionally" you must make some decisions that you normally would not, and let go of some of the unintentional self inflicted unhealthy goals and ungoals that are holding you back from an intentional, personal, wonderful life.
Dear Wishy Washy,
Up down, around and around, the roller coaster of your emotions is exhausting. A day after making the statement "I will go No Contact for six months" you come home to a huge bag of gluten free dog food leaning against your garage. No note, no sweet card, just really expensive gourmet kibble. What to make of this? Is he sorry he threw your relationship away? Is he trying to make amends? Does it mean anything or was it a Costco reflex purchase? You wrestle the odd deluge of emotions that swamp you. Anxiety that he was at your house that day and you might of had to talk to him if you had been home, pain that two people who used to be so close were reduced to dog food overtures, hope that he had miraculously changed overnight and wanted to create a shiny new healthy relationship, anger that he won't talk or reach out but will drive out of his way to give you puppy chow, tenderness that he thought about you while buying huge amounts of toilet paper and frozen tilapia, despair that you know in your heart the two of you will never work.
So you text him, a terse thank you for the dog food, and get a response right back. He wanted to do something nice for you. Well what the hell does that even mean? Mr. Wishy Washy again; I want you I don't want you I hate you I love you I want to marry you I want nothing to do with you. The ambivalence is incredibly confusing and takes you back to the two years of never knowing what was really going on inside the complex brain of this almost bipolar individual.
In reality Ms. Wishy Washy you are right there with him. Are you done? Really? Well why do you go out of your way to drive on the roads that you know he frequents, think and or talk about him incessantly to your annoyed friends and family, go on date after date and feel nothing at all. An internal commitment to go No Contact and you are texting him immediately, your brain scurried around all evening trying to figure out what particular meaning this purchase really had. Neither one of you is in, and neither one of you is out, and that wishy washy half hearted hopefulness has to end. Now. You can wish it was different, he was different, it had ended differently. But you cannot have back what has been intentionally trampled on and thrown in the garbage. Nor would you really want to. So the free food is nice, he is nice, you are nice, but the relationship is over.
