Wishy Washy

Dear Wishy Washy,

Up down, around and around, the roller coaster of your emotions is exhausting.  A day after making the statement "I will go No Contact for six months" you come home to a huge bag of gluten free dog food leaning against your garage.  No note, no sweet card, just really expensive gourmet kibble. What to make of this?  Is he sorry he threw your relationship away?  Is he trying to make amends?  Does it mean anything or was it a Costco reflex purchase?  You wrestle the odd deluge of emotions that swamp you.  Anxiety that he was at your house that day and you might of had to talk to him if you had been home, pain that two people who used to be so close were reduced to dog food overtures, hope that he had miraculously changed overnight and wanted to create a shiny new healthy relationship, anger that he won't talk or reach out but will drive out of his way to give you puppy chow, tenderness that he thought about you while buying huge amounts of toilet paper and frozen tilapia, despair that you know in your heart the two of you will never work.

So you text him, a terse thank you for the dog food, and get a response right back.  He wanted to do something nice for you.  Well what the hell does that even mean?  Mr. Wishy Washy again; I want you I don't want you I hate you I love you I want to marry you I want nothing to do with you.  The ambivalence is incredibly confusing and takes you back to the two years of never knowing what was really going on inside the complex brain of this almost bipolar individual.

In reality Ms. Wishy Washy you are right there with him.  Are you done?  Really? Well why do you go out of your way to drive on the roads that you know he frequents, think and or talk about him incessantly to your annoyed friends and family, go on date after date and feel nothing at all.  An internal commitment to go No Contact and you are texting him immediately, your brain scurried around all evening trying to figure out what particular meaning this purchase really had.  Neither one of you is in, and neither one of you is out, and that wishy washy half hearted hopefulness has to end.  Now.  You can wish it was different, he was different, it had ended differently.  But you cannot have back what has been intentionally trampled on and thrown in the garbage.  Nor would you really want to. So the free food is nice, he is nice, you are nice, but the relationship is over.