Dear Dazed and Confused,
You try to be clear, to communicate, to work through the ins and outs and ups and downs of every problem. You never give up, having been walked out on by your Mom you find it impossible to walk out on anyone. Even when you should. So it makes sense that you keep trying to get him to tell you clearly and concisely what happened to the love he supposedly felt for you, because you are so confused. You would rather be hit hard over the head with it, and in a concussed and headachy delirium accept the truth. Only he won't. Or he can't. Today he went from I do love you even now, to I don't know if I ever loved you. He said you were pretty, you dressed nicely and he used to get excited to see you. That is not love. That cannot even be compared to love, that unique connection that two people share and the commitment to unconditionally accepting each other. That is a fourth grade crush, a superficial attraction to how someone looks. Love is looking into another persons' soul and accepting everything you see in there, the good the bad and the ugly. Love is being steadfast in your ability to work through problems, to trust that the other person will honor your feelings. Love is being a good partner, someone who accepts the strength you have when they are weak and vice versa. Love is not caring what a person looks like, because being with them is happiness personified and happiness doesn't have a face or a body type. Love is wanting to walk away and having the courage to stay. Love is gracious forgiveness.
It's confusing, this sudden withdrawal, this angry abandonment. No one wins, you are dating to have something to do, traveling alone, sometimes going to events alone. He is alone as well. You spent the last six weeks in a daze, barely functioning at work, your scattered brain furiously trying to make sense of the incomprehensible. Today you realized that you will never know, you will never have the answer because he doesn't even know. He doesn't know if he loved you then or if he loves you now or if he ever could. And you realize that as disoriented as you are, he is truly lost and bewildered, dazed and confused.
D
ear Gambler Girl,
The only game you ever played at all of the smokey casinos he dragged you to was the penny slot machine Wizard of Oz. You would search it out, knowing that Glynda the good witch would reward you with at least $30, feeling comfortable because you knew the rules of this particular game, and how to play. Sometimes he tried to make you play cards with him, but you were usually fuzzy from wine by then and the arbitrary strict rules and disapproving looks of the real gamblers made you feel stupid and inept. So back to Oz where there was at least a modicum of safety. The huge casinos were so intimidating, and he left you to yourself much of the time, so you wandered around a lot people watching and trying not to inhale the insane amounts of cigarette smoke. You never thought that a girl like you would be in a place like that, but you wanted to spend time with him and that was the only way to do it.
The biggest gamble you took was to leave your last relationship because you were so attracted to him. Or maybe it was simply time to get out and he was just an excuse. Still, you put all your cards on the table and tried to play his game for two years, even when the rules changed constantly and you basically felt like you were lost in the streets of the Emerald City much of the time, confused by the mood swings and his Great and Powerful facade.
Maybe it was Glynda who gently pulled you out of there and sent you back Home, where you finally feel normal again. No more smoke filled casinos, obsessing over wins and losses, no more six hour drives just to be left alone in a hotel room watching Law and Order SVU. Like Dorothy meandering through an odd and terrifying landscape, you did what you had to do to get back to where you belong. And now the only games you are going to play are Scrabble and Monopoly with friends on game night. The next time you play someone's game, it might be better to learn the rules first.
Dear Evil Woman,
You woke up with the same dull stomach ache, waiting to get up until your brain could scrabble around enough to realign the new life you have after two years with someone you loved with all your heart. Down the stairs to turn the coffee pot on, feed the animals, sweep up the insane amount of dog hair that appeared overnight, check email, all the while trying to make sense of being abandoned out of the blue. Did you not try hard enough? Change enough? Love enough? It's a process, this morning routine of trying not to remember, trying not to miss him, trying to move on.
The ipad is plugged into the speaker, and you turn it on to your Singer/Songwriter itunes radio station just to have some static to break up the thoughts that continuously swirl around in your head. It's Evil Woman that comes on, and you have to laugh. Still, it's a great song, and you know all the words! So you start dancing around the kitchen, singing as loud as you can, and suddenly the day looks brighter, the future looks brighter.
The Nike+ bracelet your sweet friend bought you last week that tracks your daily steps picked up on this crazy three minutes of movement, your heart rate went up and you felt almost happy for once in the past month. It's about movement, about moving on with your life. There will come a morning when you wake up and you won't even think of him. Until then, you should dance a crazy dance every morning and remember to keep going forward. Happiness is what lies ahead, only hurt and disappointment behind. Dance on Evil Woman!
Dear Caretaker,
It's OK to care about others, but it's not in your best interest to continue to caretake. People can and will take care of themselves, and it's really not your job to step in an "Mommy" everyone to death. Even your kids want their independence and have worked hard to achieve it. The dogs, your new kitten, they need actual caretaking in the form of regular exercise, visits to the vet, food and water. Your clients need a different kind of caretaking, a hands on, I've got it approach that enables them to trust you with their homes and their money. But in relationships, in your family and your love life and your friendships, people have already got what they need to take care of themselves.
It's time to take care of yourself...it's been forty plus years in the making and now is as good a time as any. So today, when you handled the adjuster for the car that was in a wreck a week ago, got your hair done despite desperate texts from clients, went to the store and bought your meal plan groceries, paid your bills... you were taking care of yourself. Tonight when you meet your lawyer date for a nice dinner, you are taking care of yourself. Tomorrow, when you meet friends for lunch, get your house cleaned up, pick up your drycleaning, you are taking care of yourself.
So all that energy that went into fixing unfixable relationships, taking care of all your kids friends, your ex boyfriends family, the interpersonal problems your clients deluge you with...all that energy is now going to go into you taking the best care of you. Because it is important, it's no one else's job, and it's the only way to finally be healthy and happy. That's the only caretaking you are allowed for now, to care about yourself.
Dear Dumped,
Still gives you a stomach ache, doesn't it? That someone would just dump you without making any effort to work through the issues that led to the final horrible confrontation at a nice restaurant. That isn't a relationship, how could you relate to someone like that? You make every, and I mean every, effort to work things out, even when there is crying and door slamming involved. Counseling, talking to friends, reading books, you work and work and still, you were dumped.
You can write about it, talk about it, try to work it through but in the end it is what his ex did to him, and what you did to your ex. People get dumped. There is at least a sense of empathy now for what your ex boyfriend experienced when you said enough and moved out. It's like the foundation you built your life on crumbles into a pit of despair, and all the good gets dumped in that deep hole.
It's not right, it doesn't make sense, but it happens all the time. Just because he didn't want you doesn't mean you are "unwantable"...it just means that you weren't right for each other, and no amount of loving kindness can change that.
So today when you go to the job site look in that dumpster at all of the cabinets, hardware, appliances, bits of wood and countertop, and see twenty years of memories from that kitchen that are being sent to the dump because it's time for change. It doesn't mean the family is going to dump their good memories, the family meals, the kids doing homework at the counter, the games of scrabble. It just means it's time to create something new, that something better is coming.
Dear Sweet Heart,
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is set someone free, even when you feel like their departure leaves a gaping hole where hope, security and love used to rest. Even when losing such a huge part of your life leaves you feeling like your heart is breaking.
What is worse? To not love fully, openly? To not trust him? To not feel your heart pound when he comes close to you? To not want to rub his arm, kiss him, smile at him? To not feel? To tie yourself to what lies behind instead of what lies ahead?
You gave everything to him, and in the end he didn't want any of it. He was mired firmly in his failed marriage and his pain, and there was nothing you could do to heal that. Your love story had a beginning, a middle and a tragic end, and your heart felt so much joy, love, confusion, fear, pain...but you felt it. Wide open and invested, you felt it all. Hearts heal, lives move on, loss becomes a memory. Don't stop having a loving heart, that is the gift you give the world, it makes you sweet and it makes you who you are.
Dear Messy Girl,
You've spent the last two weeks trying to get organized, trying to make your home perfect. In your post-break up panic you have frantically categorized every drawer, every file is up to date and neatly labeled, the walls in three of the rooms in your home have been freshly painted, heavy drapery removed. You cleaned the grout in the kitchen with bleach and a toothbrush, you threw away two huge garbage cans of old papers and magazines, you color coordinated your walk in closet. The problem with doing all of that is that it doesn't change anything. It makes you feel temporarily more in control, more "together" but really you are sad and lost, still wondering how someone who told you he loved you every day could just walk out. There is no controlling that.
You had so much confidence, you believed you were loved, pretty, valued, that he was proud of you. Even when the laundry piled up during the weeks you had craziness at work, and sometimes you lacked the energy after a hard day to go grocery shopping and ate cheese and crackers instead, you believed, you knew, he loved you. The real you, the girl who had spent the last eleven years as a single parent struggling to put her kids through college, putting all of her energy into a thankless job so that she could take care of her family. You believed, you knew, he enjoyed spending time with you, traveling with you. You believed, you knew, that somewhere in his heart he wanted to be with you.
Then it was over. Suddenly, completely, and irrevocably over. Of the spiteful things he had hurled at you over the past year the ones that stuck out the most had to do with being disorganized and messy. Was this why he left? Because in your frantic 60 hour work week you didn't make tidiness your number one priority? Sure, your house was clean, but it was lived in and messy too; books, magazines, dog toys. The stuff real life is made of.
Well, life is messy. Emotions are messy, relationships are messy, construction work is messy. Nothing is or should ever be so tightly controlled, so obsessively organized that it takes precedence over living a full, authentic and yes, messy life. You accept your mess gladly, it comes from being more worried about friends and kids than doing laundry. It comes from being flexible, busy and happy with hobbies and work. It stems from joy, from relationships, from animals. So you can stop organizing now, and relax. Live your messy, wonderful, complicated, exuberant life...without him.
