Dear Hanger On,
By the skin of your teeth you have hung on to this last almost failed relationship like a cat clinging to the swaying branch of a tree he unwittingly ended up scaling. Even now you wonder at your tenacity and your willingness to go back to something you know is clearly not easy and natural. Maybe the desire to be comfortable, even when the comfort level is insecurity and lack of communication, supersedes the desire to be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. One thing is certain, this swaying branch you are helplessly trapped on has taught you invaluable survival skills, there is nothing quite as motivating as a life or death grip when you have fallen before and the result was as close to a nervous breakdown as you have ever been.
He is as cunning and as dangerous as a Las Vegas big cat, trapped in an emotional ex-wife cage waiting for the enthusiastic burst of applause to trigger his next performance. This time it is reconnecting with her parents who are in town, and taking his mother along, so they can pretend in epic Southern denial that "nothing happened." This is the only family you have ever been around where they demand you accept and embrace all of the the exes (and there are so many of them) and their convoluted family members without comment or complaint. You hung on to the notion that time would surely remedy this but unfortunately it is the same over and over, only the show time changes as does the story of her and her whole families betrayal and abandonment. They will all drawl "hey!" to each other and "How ya'll doing?" as if none of the complete craziness of the past four years occurred. It isn't forgiveness as much as an unwillingness to move forward with new people, new relationships. The ex will be pleased that she has gotten him roped back into her dysfunctional families clutches so that she can snap her whip and make him bound onto a pedestal, even when he is snarling and defensive she enjoys making him perform for her. He hangs on to the unusual notion that this is normal and will be great when their daughter has children, which just justifies the entire inbred clans countless failed marriages. If any of them could spell "boundary" much less understand the concept of it perhaps you would not be where you are, claws out, tenaciously clutching a past with no hope and a future with very little.
Your choice is to scamper back down that tree trunk of disappointment and confusion, to curl up in the sun and blatantly ignore them all like a well fed cat. He isn't ready to let the past go, but you don't have to chase that string anymore. The show will go on...without you.
Dear Ms. Intentional,
The theme lately is living intentionally, though having to Google what that is may not be a good sign. It seems that having good intentions and living intentionally are two very different things. You always intended for your kids to have the best of everything without them having to struggle, you intended to get remarried a year after you got divorced, you had the best of intentions that your company would flourish and you would be set for life by 50. So much of what we try to accomplish is vague and undefined, and though good intentions are nice, they don't mean anything without good decisions.
So today you begin the harder path of choosing to live intentionally. To do this you have to go back to your goals, your core values, what you know you want and need. Not always easy for someone who is chronically codependent and used to caring more for others than herself. You must stop frantically casting a wide net in the hopes that all of your goals will come to fruition, and instead go back to the basics. Slowing down, thinking things through, not reacting. The decisions that will come from this different way of life will be different than before, will move you toward what you intend for your life now as a divorced single mother. It's time to embrace the world you currently reside in, and find whatever love, comfort and joy there is already in your life. If you also intend to focus on fewer relationships, to take better care of yourself, to communicate with love and respect, to take more time organizing and planning instead of flailing around on the whim of every client and every family member, you will be more successful. To focus on what good being successful can do for your world is also a good intention, and benefits everyone. You can decide, day by day, hour by hour, relationship by relationship what you want and need.
So under the banner of "living intentionally" you must make some decisions that you normally would not, and let go of some of the unintentional self inflicted unhealthy goals and ungoals that are holding you back from an intentional, personal, wonderful life.
Dear Wishy Washy,
Up down, around and around, the roller coaster of your emotions is exhausting. A day after making the statement "I will go No Contact for six months" you come home to a huge bag of gluten free dog food leaning against your garage. No note, no sweet card, just really expensive gourmet kibble. What to make of this? Is he sorry he threw your relationship away? Is he trying to make amends? Does it mean anything or was it a Costco reflex purchase? You wrestle the odd deluge of emotions that swamp you. Anxiety that he was at your house that day and you might of had to talk to him if you had been home, pain that two people who used to be so close were reduced to dog food overtures, hope that he had miraculously changed overnight and wanted to create a shiny new healthy relationship, anger that he won't talk or reach out but will drive out of his way to give you puppy chow, tenderness that he thought about you while buying huge amounts of toilet paper and frozen tilapia, despair that you know in your heart the two of you will never work.
So you text him, a terse thank you for the dog food, and get a response right back. He wanted to do something nice for you. Well what the hell does that even mean? Mr. Wishy Washy again; I want you I don't want you I hate you I love you I want to marry you I want nothing to do with you. The ambivalence is incredibly confusing and takes you back to the two years of never knowing what was really going on inside the complex brain of this almost bipolar individual.
In reality Ms. Wishy Washy you are right there with him. Are you done? Really? Well why do you go out of your way to drive on the roads that you know he frequents, think and or talk about him incessantly to your annoyed friends and family, go on date after date and feel nothing at all. An internal commitment to go No Contact and you are texting him immediately, your brain scurried around all evening trying to figure out what particular meaning this purchase really had. Neither one of you is in, and neither one of you is out, and that wishy washy half hearted hopefulness has to end. Now. You can wish it was different, he was different, it had ended differently. But you cannot have back what has been intentionally trampled on and thrown in the garbage. Nor would you really want to. So the free food is nice, he is nice, you are nice, but the relationship is over.
Dear Dazed and Confused,
You try to be clear, to communicate, to work through the ins and outs and ups and downs of every problem. You never give up, having been walked out on by your Mom you find it impossible to walk out on anyone. Even when you should. So it makes sense that you keep trying to get him to tell you clearly and concisely what happened to the love he supposedly felt for you, because you are so confused. You would rather be hit hard over the head with it, and in a concussed and headachy delirium accept the truth. Only he won't. Or he can't. Today he went from I do love you even now, to I don't know if I ever loved you. He said you were pretty, you dressed nicely and he used to get excited to see you. That is not love. That cannot even be compared to love, that unique connection that two people share and the commitment to unconditionally accepting each other. That is a fourth grade crush, a superficial attraction to how someone looks. Love is looking into another persons' soul and accepting everything you see in there, the good the bad and the ugly. Love is being steadfast in your ability to work through problems, to trust that the other person will honor your feelings. Love is being a good partner, someone who accepts the strength you have when they are weak and vice versa. Love is not caring what a person looks like, because being with them is happiness personified and happiness doesn't have a face or a body type. Love is wanting to walk away and having the courage to stay. Love is gracious forgiveness.
It's confusing, this sudden withdrawal, this angry abandonment. No one wins, you are dating to have something to do, traveling alone, sometimes going to events alone. He is alone as well. You spent the last six weeks in a daze, barely functioning at work, your scattered brain furiously trying to make sense of the incomprehensible. Today you realized that you will never know, you will never have the answer because he doesn't even know. He doesn't know if he loved you then or if he loves you now or if he ever could. And you realize that as disoriented as you are, he is truly lost and bewildered, dazed and confused.
D
ear Gambler Girl,
The only game you ever played at all of the smokey casinos he dragged you to was the penny slot machine Wizard of Oz. You would search it out, knowing that Glynda the good witch would reward you with at least $30, feeling comfortable because you knew the rules of this particular game, and how to play. Sometimes he tried to make you play cards with him, but you were usually fuzzy from wine by then and the arbitrary strict rules and disapproving looks of the real gamblers made you feel stupid and inept. So back to Oz where there was at least a modicum of safety. The huge casinos were so intimidating, and he left you to yourself much of the time, so you wandered around a lot people watching and trying not to inhale the insane amounts of cigarette smoke. You never thought that a girl like you would be in a place like that, but you wanted to spend time with him and that was the only way to do it.
The biggest gamble you took was to leave your last relationship because you were so attracted to him. Or maybe it was simply time to get out and he was just an excuse. Still, you put all your cards on the table and tried to play his game for two years, even when the rules changed constantly and you basically felt like you were lost in the streets of the Emerald City much of the time, confused by the mood swings and his Great and Powerful facade.
Maybe it was Glynda who gently pulled you out of there and sent you back Home, where you finally feel normal again. No more smoke filled casinos, obsessing over wins and losses, no more six hour drives just to be left alone in a hotel room watching Law and Order SVU. Like Dorothy meandering through an odd and terrifying landscape, you did what you had to do to get back to where you belong. And now the only games you are going to play are Scrabble and Monopoly with friends on game night. The next time you play someone's game, it might be better to learn the rules first.
Dear Evil Woman,
You woke up with the same dull stomach ache, waiting to get up until your brain could scrabble around enough to realign the new life you have after two years with someone you loved with all your heart. Down the stairs to turn the coffee pot on, feed the animals, sweep up the insane amount of dog hair that appeared overnight, check email, all the while trying to make sense of being abandoned out of the blue. Did you not try hard enough? Change enough? Love enough? It's a process, this morning routine of trying not to remember, trying not to miss him, trying to move on.
The ipad is plugged into the speaker, and you turn it on to your Singer/Songwriter itunes radio station just to have some static to break up the thoughts that continuously swirl around in your head. It's Evil Woman that comes on, and you have to laugh. Still, it's a great song, and you know all the words! So you start dancing around the kitchen, singing as loud as you can, and suddenly the day looks brighter, the future looks brighter.
The Nike+ bracelet your sweet friend bought you last week that tracks your daily steps picked up on this crazy three minutes of movement, your heart rate went up and you felt almost happy for once in the past month. It's about movement, about moving on with your life. There will come a morning when you wake up and you won't even think of him. Until then, you should dance a crazy dance every morning and remember to keep going forward. Happiness is what lies ahead, only hurt and disappointment behind. Dance on Evil Woman!
Dear Caretaker,
It's OK to care about others, but it's not in your best interest to continue to caretake. People can and will take care of themselves, and it's really not your job to step in an "Mommy" everyone to death. Even your kids want their independence and have worked hard to achieve it. The dogs, your new kitten, they need actual caretaking in the form of regular exercise, visits to the vet, food and water. Your clients need a different kind of caretaking, a hands on, I've got it approach that enables them to trust you with their homes and their money. But in relationships, in your family and your love life and your friendships, people have already got what they need to take care of themselves.
It's time to take care of yourself...it's been forty plus years in the making and now is as good a time as any. So today, when you handled the adjuster for the car that was in a wreck a week ago, got your hair done despite desperate texts from clients, went to the store and bought your meal plan groceries, paid your bills... you were taking care of yourself. Tonight when you meet your lawyer date for a nice dinner, you are taking care of yourself. Tomorrow, when you meet friends for lunch, get your house cleaned up, pick up your drycleaning, you are taking care of yourself.
So all that energy that went into fixing unfixable relationships, taking care of all your kids friends, your ex boyfriends family, the interpersonal problems your clients deluge you with...all that energy is now going to go into you taking the best care of you. Because it is important, it's no one else's job, and it's the only way to finally be healthy and happy. That's the only caretaking you are allowed for now, to care about yourself.
