Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,


In the space of two short weeks your world shifted on its axis in much the same way a tornado ravaged community or tsunami engulfed shore line does when the unthinkable simply happens.  You have used the phrase "Hope is not a Strategy" many times, but in your naivete you believed that hope and love could stop the tidal wave of anger, criticism, withdrawal and abuse that led to this upheaval.  In the aftermath, shaken and in denial, you viewed the devastation with disbelief and mourned what could have been.

Relationships, good ones, are full of respect, trust, truth, intimacy and unconditional love, and the effort required to maintain this balance is enormous.  You thought, you hoped, that if you did 99% of the respecting, trusting, and loving that the result would be a perfect marriage.  You thought, you hoped, that he would get over his anger and his sadness at being left by his ex-wife, at losing his family, and in time he would see what a wonderful family you two could build together.  The only problem with hoping for this is you knew deep in your soul that he didn't love you.  He loved the idea of you, the sparkle of you, the brightness and shininess of you, but not the real you.  For someone to love you they have to love your story, feel your story on a deep level, accept that you are the you you are because of your story, and love you more for it.  He didn't even want to open the book much less accept the tumultuous childhood that brought you to this place in your life.  His method of coping, to shut down completely, is in his mind what you do about past hurts, past loss.  If you drink enough, gamble enough, travel enough you don't feel the very thing you know will dessimate you with the mighty strength of a formidable hurricane.  You hoped that your love could heal him, bring him to the surface, bond with him.  There isn't enough hope in the world to accomplish that, with someone who refuses to face their life, their shortcomings, their emotions.  A mutual friend said bluntly through your tears, "He hasn't loved you for along time, he decided a year ago he didn't love you."  You thought love was a feeling not a choice.  You hoped he could have at least this one feeling.

So you let go.  Because you had to.  Because he will never be healed, and you will never be skinny enough, organized enough, emotionless enough to make him love you.  Maybe you will someday write his story, the story you fell so madly in love with, the story of a builder who built a life in spite of hardship.  Or maybe not, maybe you can just do what your father has asked you to do and close the book, and hope for the real thing next time.

She Let Go

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a
book on how to let go…
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyse whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."