Little Lamb

Dear Little Lamb,

You have sacrificed.  A lot.  In your marriage with an angry, controlling man who abused your children you sacrificed your peace of mind, your friendships, your family, your health.  Consumed with protecting the fragile emotional landscape and the physical safety of your children's  world, you fought a silent and tension filled battle with a monster that ended the day he choked your eleven year old.  Little did you know the problems had just begun.  The monster moved on to an even more controlling, angry partner, shutting your kids down with insults, abuse and even ejection from her home.  The spotty child support sputtered and died, while the sheriff arriving at the house to serve you court documents yet again became a common occurrence.  Since you were the only parent, you were suddenly responsible not only for running your company but for everything your kids needed to have a somewhat normal adolescence.  It became a heart pounding, wine chugging, adrenaline filled decade during which time you lost sleep, your hair, your money and your belief in a system that should protect women and children and seemed only to provide stingy horrible fathers with a legal means to abandon their own flesh and blood.

Fast forward ten years and here you are, still providing for your 23 year old and 25 year old, still putting their needs first.  Both are incredible men, filled with passion and love, confident and giving.   They are successful not in the world their "father" believed in, money and status, but in their commitment to the environment and to saving lives.  The end result was so worth the sacrifices it entailed, there is never a moment of regret for the unwavering love and dedication you provided, at whatever cost.

In the two long term relationships you had after the divorce, you were so focused on giving the boys a new Dad you forgot to find someone who actually put you first and made you happy.  You stayed even when the last shred of hope had fled, so that the boys didn't have to endure yet another abandonment.  Both kids have verbalized to you during this last break up that they just want you to be happy.  That you are enough family for them.  That you don't have to sacrifice any more.

A friend called to tell you that the recent ex was telling everyone you broke it off because he wouldn't marry you.  How you would love to text him that you broke it off because you decided to put you first just this once.  That he was an awful lot like your ex-husband and the thought of living with someone who was so overly controlling and obsessive compulsive filled you with dread and panic.  The wedding altar you had so doggedly pursued, down to discussing the house you would build together, had started to loom in your subconscious as yet another symbolic flat rock where you would be stretched out and sacrificed so that your creativity and freedom could be offered up to the gods of narcissism and regimentation.  You have sacrificed.  A lot.  But this one last time offer yourself up and let him believe that it was his choice that you didn't get married.  At least you didn't end up back full circle in a marriage to an angry, controlling man.