Little Lamb

Dear Little Lamb,

You have sacrificed.  A lot.  In your marriage with an angry, controlling man who abused your children you sacrificed your peace of mind, your friendships, your family, your health.  Consumed with protecting the fragile emotional landscape and the physical safety of your children's  world, you fought a silent and tension filled battle with a monster that ended the day he choked your eleven year old.  Little did you know the problems had just begun.  The monster moved on to an even more controlling, angry partner, shutting your kids down with insults, abuse and even ejection from her home.  The spotty child support sputtered and died, while the sheriff arriving at the house to serve you court documents yet again became a common occurrence.  Since you were the only parent, you were suddenly responsible not only for running your company but for everything your kids needed to have a somewhat normal adolescence.  It became a heart pounding, wine chugging, adrenaline filled decade during which time you lost sleep, your hair, your money and your belief in a system that should protect women and children and seemed only to provide stingy horrible fathers with a legal means to abandon their own flesh and blood.

Fast forward ten years and here you are, still providing for your 23 year old and 25 year old, still putting their needs first.  Both are incredible men, filled with passion and love, confident and giving.   They are successful not in the world their "father" believed in, money and status, but in their commitment to the environment and to saving lives.  The end result was so worth the sacrifices it entailed, there is never a moment of regret for the unwavering love and dedication you provided, at whatever cost.

In the two long term relationships you had after the divorce, you were so focused on giving the boys a new Dad you forgot to find someone who actually put you first and made you happy.  You stayed even when the last shred of hope had fled, so that the boys didn't have to endure yet another abandonment.  Both kids have verbalized to you during this last break up that they just want you to be happy.  That you are enough family for them.  That you don't have to sacrifice any more.

A friend called to tell you that the recent ex was telling everyone you broke it off because he wouldn't marry you.  How you would love to text him that you broke it off because you decided to put you first just this once.  That he was an awful lot like your ex-husband and the thought of living with someone who was so overly controlling and obsessive compulsive filled you with dread and panic.  The wedding altar you had so doggedly pursued, down to discussing the house you would build together, had started to loom in your subconscious as yet another symbolic flat rock where you would be stretched out and sacrificed so that your creativity and freedom could be offered up to the gods of narcissism and regimentation.  You have sacrificed.  A lot.  But this one last time offer yourself up and let him believe that it was his choice that you didn't get married.  At least you didn't end up back full circle in a marriage to an angry, controlling man.

Project Manager

Dear Project Manager,

Tight schedules, delays, angry clients, weepy clients, missing materials, subcontractors begging for money, hundreds of text messages each and every day, including Sunday...it's no wonder you are a tiny bit burnt out.  The end result is gorgeous, the clients are usually repentant and refer you so the steady stream of people never varies.  This is not what you had in mind when you started a design and build company, but you have been able to twist yourself around the demands of your clients so that somehow it works, if not exactly like they anticipate at least enough to make very good money and put both of your kids through college.  Unfortunately there is a lot of drama and unnecessary friction that is inherent in the design and build process, and it requires diligence, organization and a tough upper lip.

No so with the management of your past relationship.  If there was ever a project that you undertook with woefully little information and a blase attitude that you could and would make this work out, it was this last one.  He was alternately completely into you, showering you with attention and trips and helping at the house, or completely self absorbed and not communicating at all.  You were supposed to be available when he wanted you to be, but there was never an exchange of work schedules, obligations, calendars or prior commitments.  At least with your subs you can communicate with them, cajole, threaten, flatter to get some forward momentum going.  With him you had no power, if you tried to talk about feelings he physically left or got furious.  If you had plans already he was annoyed.  If you didn't show up on time to the minute he was aggravated.  If you showed any weakness he was disdainful.  If you talked about the future it was like trying to talk to your Mexican painter who nods and smiles while listening to you when you know full well he isn't able to process what you are communicating to him.  His complete and total lack of empathy for you, your life, your job, your problems made ever getting past the design phase impossible, he was never going to let you build anything for or with him.

So this has been the longest project you ever tried to complete, and you walked away half way through because you knew in your heart the benefit didn't outweigh the risk.  It was exactly like the Jewish client who agreed to the contract then spent six months ignoring it and paying you what he wanted when he wanted.   You can try to quantify and plot and revise calendars and expectations but in the end the resistance that makes even a micro renovation difficult to get under contract is what caused the abrupt end of discussion between you two.  You have enough of this in your job, it was unfair that you had to do it in your personal life.  It can be someone elses' project now, let's see how she does trying to build a life with him when he is mired firmly in his past marriage and his rigid self imposed calendar.

Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

You have been a little out of touch lately, of course we all give you the benefit of the doubt with the boyfriend from Hell that you broke up with, the crazy work schedule, the social calendar of someone much younger and more energetic, still, you seem a little lost.  That being said, you also seem less controlling, less wrapped up in the drama of yet another failed relationship, less uptight.  So the dreamy glazed over aura that surrounds you is just surprising, not yet awful for those who love you best.  We want you back, the fun, ball of pure energy, up for anything, crazy loving, dramatic, victim of life, friend of the universe.  Is it that yet another dream ruptured and your life long goal of "happy ever after" died?  Are you in mourning?  Are you just burnt out having had to deal with damaged, aging men who refuse to acknowledge their shortcomings and plan for an albeit probably short marriage to you? Are you worn out from the swirling dreams that interrupt you every night along with the antics of the crazy revenge cat you bought to punish the last guy who left you?

Perhaps it is that you are finally allowing yourself to dream and it isn't about yet another insecure man and the damage he can do to your all together peaceful, happy life!  Maybe you are dreaming of the grandchildren that are soon to arrive, the book you are writing, the beach house you rented.  Maybe you are just at peace not having to try so hard to make a relationship work that never worked.  Maybe you are just relaxed finally, after decades of being abused by needy, controlling men.  The men who thought, no, truly believed, they were your dream come true.

It's not bad...no really, it's just different.  You seem to be traversing your own interior universe without much regard for the frantic, pleaser, worried self that used to inhabit your whole self.  You seem to be dreaming your own dream, independent of any one else.  While a little confusing to those of us who love you best, it is actually a nice change.  We were all tired of watching these piranha's eat you alive just because you were so loving and sweet.  So rest, dream, smile...keep on doing what you have been doing this past month.  We love you little dreamer girl...

Happy Girl

 Dear Happy Girl,

Where have you gone?  Even with a crazy work schedule and dogs and kids and trying always to take care of the world you used to be happy.  One year of crazy happy followed by an insane year and a half of absolute abject misery can do that to a person.  You research narcissistic personality disorder, you relive the coldness, the anger, the detachment, the robotic overly scheduled emotionless months, the lack of caring about what you were going through, the snide critical comments.  How much can a person take?  Alone on the first night of the cruise while he drank himself into oblivion and gambled recklessly, completely ignoring you, you realized you were done.  He had effectively abused you out of loving him.  The appreciation you had for his caring that had somehow bridged the gap of  his weird obsession with his ex wife was gone.  He would sit at your house with a scowl on his face, with no joy at all, existing in a critical self absorbed state of misery, judging you now instead of helping.  You don't remember him ever saying he was sorry, ever.  You don't remember the last time he looked at you with love.  So you had to make the call, change into Unhappy Girl forever, or move on knowing you deserve to be with someone at least capable of loving, of being happy himself.  He left to go out of town without even bothering to tell you, wrapped up as usual with his gambling obsession.  So you cried, as usual, begged, as usual, tried to make sense of it and failed, as usual.  It's going to be hard to find her again, but Happy Girl is still there, under a mountain of hurt and anger.  It's time to dig her out, she was buried alive by control, anger and inconsideration.  She deserves to shine again, to be cleaned up and set free to share her joy with the world.

Hanger On

Dear Hanger On,

By the skin of your teeth you have hung on to this  last almost failed relationship like a cat clinging to the swaying branch of a tree he unwittingly ended up scaling.  Even now you wonder at your tenacity and your willingness to go back to something you know is clearly not easy and natural.  Maybe the desire to be comfortable, even when the comfort level is insecurity and lack of communication, supersedes the desire to be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship.  One thing is certain, this swaying branch you are helplessly trapped on has taught you invaluable survival skills, there is nothing quite as motivating as a life or death grip when you have fallen before and the result was as close to a nervous breakdown as you have ever been.

He is as cunning and as dangerous as a Las Vegas big cat, trapped in an emotional ex-wife cage waiting for the enthusiastic burst of applause to trigger his next performance.  This time it is reconnecting with her parents who are in town, and taking his mother along, so they can pretend in epic Southern denial that "nothing happened."  This is the only family you have ever been around where they demand you accept and embrace all of the the exes (and there are so many of them) and their convoluted family members without comment or complaint.  You hung on to the notion that time would surely remedy this but unfortunately it is the same over and over, only the show time changes as does the story of her and her whole families betrayal and abandonment.  They will all drawl "hey!" to each other and "How ya'll doing?" as if none of the complete craziness of the past four years occurred.  It isn't forgiveness as much as an unwillingness to move forward with new people, new relationships.  The ex will be pleased that she has gotten him roped back into her dysfunctional families clutches so that she can snap her whip and make him bound onto a pedestal, even when he is snarling and defensive she enjoys making him perform for her.  He hangs on to the unusual notion that this is normal and will be great when their daughter has children,  which just justifies the entire inbred clans countless failed marriages.  If any of them could spell "boundary" much less understand the concept of it perhaps you would not be where you are, claws out, tenaciously clutching a past with no hope and a future with very little. 

Your choice is to scamper back down that tree trunk of disappointment and confusion, to curl up in the sun and blatantly ignore them all like a well fed cat.  He isn't ready to let the past go, but you don't have to chase that string anymore.  The show will go on...without you.

Good Intentions

Dear Ms. Intentional,

The theme lately is living intentionally, though having to Google what that is may not be a good sign.  It seems that having good intentions and living intentionally are two very different things.  You always intended for your kids to have the best of everything without them having to struggle, you intended to get remarried a year after you got divorced, you had the best of intentions that your company would flourish and you would be set for life by 50.  So much of what we try to accomplish is vague and undefined, and though good intentions are nice, they don't mean anything without good decisions.

So today you begin the harder path of choosing to live intentionally.  To do this you have to go back to your goals, your core values, what you know you want and need.  Not always easy for someone who is chronically codependent and used to caring more for others than herself.  You must stop frantically casting a wide net in the hopes that all of your goals will come to fruition, and instead go back to the basics.  Slowing down, thinking things through, not reacting.  The decisions that will come from this different way of life will be different than before, will move you toward what you intend for your life now as a divorced single mother.  It's time to embrace the world you currently reside in, and find whatever love, comfort and joy there is already in your life.  If you also intend to focus on fewer relationships, to take better care of yourself, to communicate with love and respect, to take more time organizing and planning instead of flailing around on the whim of every client and every family member, you will be more successful.  To focus on what good being successful can do for your world is also a good intention, and benefits everyone.  You can decide, day by day, hour by hour, relationship by relationship what you want and need.  

So under the banner of "living intentionally" you must make some decisions that you normally would not, and let go of some of the unintentional self inflicted unhealthy goals and ungoals that are holding you back from an intentional, personal, wonderful life.

Wishy Washy

Dear Wishy Washy,

Up down, around and around, the roller coaster of your emotions is exhausting.  A day after making the statement "I will go No Contact for six months" you come home to a huge bag of gluten free dog food leaning against your garage.  No note, no sweet card, just really expensive gourmet kibble. What to make of this?  Is he sorry he threw your relationship away?  Is he trying to make amends?  Does it mean anything or was it a Costco reflex purchase?  You wrestle the odd deluge of emotions that swamp you.  Anxiety that he was at your house that day and you might of had to talk to him if you had been home, pain that two people who used to be so close were reduced to dog food overtures, hope that he had miraculously changed overnight and wanted to create a shiny new healthy relationship, anger that he won't talk or reach out but will drive out of his way to give you puppy chow, tenderness that he thought about you while buying huge amounts of toilet paper and frozen tilapia, despair that you know in your heart the two of you will never work.

So you text him, a terse thank you for the dog food, and get a response right back.  He wanted to do something nice for you.  Well what the hell does that even mean?  Mr. Wishy Washy again; I want you I don't want you I hate you I love you I want to marry you I want nothing to do with you.  The ambivalence is incredibly confusing and takes you back to the two years of never knowing what was really going on inside the complex brain of this almost bipolar individual.

In reality Ms. Wishy Washy you are right there with him.  Are you done?  Really? Well why do you go out of your way to drive on the roads that you know he frequents, think and or talk about him incessantly to your annoyed friends and family, go on date after date and feel nothing at all.  An internal commitment to go No Contact and you are texting him immediately, your brain scurried around all evening trying to figure out what particular meaning this purchase really had.  Neither one of you is in, and neither one of you is out, and that wishy washy half hearted hopefulness has to end.  Now.  You can wish it was different, he was different, it had ended differently.  But you cannot have back what has been intentionally trampled on and thrown in the garbage.  Nor would you really want to. So the free food is nice, he is nice, you are nice, but the relationship is over.